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Jan. 4th, 2014

2014

So I had stopped coming up with New Year Resolutions a few years ago
Mainly because after a month or two, I just completely forgot about them
Once the holidays ended, and the excitement of a New Year wore off, so did resolutions.
But, seeing as so much has changed, I figure I may as well come up with a couple this year and see how I do.

1. Get back down to my senior year weight, 135 pounds. (I was 137 actually, but we'll round it down to a nice number)
Currently I am around 178 and 181 (on a bad day.) My pre pregnancy weight was 155 (which is my current short term goal.)
For the sake of easy math, I am 180, so that means 45 pounds dropped by January 1st 2015. That seems pretty realistic.

2. Have my credit cards payed off by December 1st (I say December because I know I will end up using them for Christmas shopping)
Although if possible I'd like to further that resolution by not using them for Christmas, but we will see how the year plays out.
I'd like to at least completely cancel 2 of them though once they are payed off.

3. Have a car and my license by January 1st 2015. (Even better would be and have been driving for at least 3-4 months prior to.)

I think 3 goals/resolutions is enough. There is obviously the ones like be the best mom I can be, but that would be my goal every year, resolutions or not.

Dec. 31st, 2013

Next year is tomorrow

Her "father" is coming over today.
So...excited..(buckets of sarcasm)
Speaking of buckets, there are tons of them full of blood leaving my body right now..
Thanks everyone who forgot to tell me your first period after having a baby SUCKS.
But I will save that TMI topic for when I list all the reasons I am now afraid of my vagina. (Yes, that is going to happen)
Anyways, he is coming over today, with her "god father," and I'd love to tell him
Don't bother.
But he bought bags for the diaper pail, and damnit I need those.
That is $20 I didn't have to spend.
It's been a little over 2 weeks since his last (short) visit here, and those 2 weeks consisted of 3 days he said he'd be here
But never showed.
I want to throw a tempter tantrum, I want to never let him see her
(and legally I could do that since he refused to sign her birth certificate)
But for her sake, right now anyways, I can't.
I can't stomp my feet, throw things, cry, and shout "You can't be here!"
And that drives me insane.

This time a year ago I loved being around him.
This time a year ago I feared him deciding he didn't want to be my friend (god that sounds stupid)
And now. I want him so far away.

He should be here in an hour, here's to hoping he bails again.

Anyways, as promised, 10 reasons why I am legitimately AFRAID of my vagina.
1. At almost 6 weeks PP I have NO idea what it looks like now, I haven't checked, and I probably wont work myself up to it for a very long time. Or until I can calmly ask my midwife during my exam (which will now be at 8 weeks PP) "Does it look normal... like how it looked before" (Like she remembers specifically what MY vagina looked like.
2. I SAW my daughters head come out, in my drugged laboring/pushing haze, I actually agreed to them putting a giant standing mirror in between my legs so I could watch and I saw...her...leave..my..body. It was extremely cool, but now I can't even be delusional and pretend she just popped onto my chest that night.
3. I tore. I had stitches. I don't want to know.
4. For the first few weeks after I couldn't control my muscles. As in frequently (once swelling went down) I would just leak pee, I would be completely unaware of this until I went to the restroom to pee. And even though that has now stopped it still hurts those muscles A LOT to pee. Where the fuck did those muscles even come from, never noticed their existence before.
5. It got me pregnant.
6. It made me no longer pregnant.
7. It wont stop bleeding. I had maybe a week or two break, and here we are again. Welcome back period, I have missed you SO much =|
8. Okay maybe it's just 7 reasons.

Dec. 29th, 2013

Rants and stuff

First off, I contemplated, then decided to make a separate blog
One to write in for all things motherhood related
Because this is sure to mildly entertaining, and I may decide I want to share it one day
And I wouldn't want people to have the potential of reading my previous posts of unrelated venting
But blogger is now all google+ and bullshit
and other blog sites are ridiculous
So, just sticking with my livejournal for both.
I'll probably go long gaps of not updating as usual anyways, and really this has always been about getting things off my chest
Not about the people who have the ability to read it.

I actually wanted to start something while I was pregnant...
A blog, or a twitter, something
Because as a FTM (first time mom as I've learned in forums) and being the person that I just am
The things that would fly out of my mouth, or circle in my brain
Were frankly, amusing, shocking, controversial, and things I didn't want to forget.
I wanted to be able to look back and laugh at myself and cry at myself, and maybe even yell at myself.
But.. like most things, I never got around to it.
Hell, my baby book is filled out for her first 2 weeks, and here we are one day past 5 weeks old.

Anyways, this isn't going to be insanely interesting, I just need to vent a bit
I have mastered getting annoyed, everyday it seems there is something new (and lingering old) that just irritates the crap out of me.
For example, today it is the fact people seem to believe my schedule can just wrap around there wants.
That messaging me 30-50 times in a row demanding photos of the baby emailed to them RIGHT THIS SECOND
Means... I want to send them right now, I can send them right now, and I should send them RIGHT NOW.
No.
If I happen to have a chunk of time available to me that is long enough to take photos off of a SD card, onto a flash drive, and onto this computer, email them to you and wait for you to figure out how to open a compressed file, and see all those pictures, and then talk to me about them...
It wont be to do that.
I will happily take that time to play a video game, take a LONG hot bath and finally shave all of this hair of my body, read a book, write in a blog, or maybe just stare mindlessly at facebook statuses filling my computer screen, content I am not changing a diaper, making a bottle, or convincing my perfect little girl that her bed is comfier then mommys arms (it really isn't... but shh)
People frustrate me.

And now a bath sounds good, and I only have 30 minutes left of free time before my mom is done watching her.

Basically, I just want everyone to respect the fact I have A LOT going on
And the few quiet hours I do have throughout the day is then either filled with chores, or taking care of myself.

No bath, I hear her crying and 30 minutes is irrelevant now.

Sep. 1st, 2013

Blahhhh

Honestly, I just feel depressed most of the time
I hate the way my body is starting to look
I hate being uncomfortable
I hate what I see of the future
I hate these long hours at work
I hate that I want to go back in time
I hate my lack of self control
I hate my procrastination
I hate where most of my friendships have gone

I just want things to feel better
But things just feel worse and worse
And time is going by really fast
But I want to go backward, not forward.

Aug. 23rd, 2013

(no subject)

Okay, how do I express this.
That is something I've been trying to tackle for awhile
Mainly because I think it would be good for the person involved to hear and understand
But I can't even begin to verbally express any of my thoughts before I sort them out in writing first
And every time I have attempted to do that within the past 9-10 months, I've come up blank
Because honestly, I haven't really felt the necessity of even going into that corner of my mind.
And that's because I know where I stand.
I've always known where I stand, and what the situation is and will be.
But lately, and maybe it's my paranoia, maybe it's based on what a few people have expressed to me
It seems it is important that I explain all of that
Really get facts and feelings out there, because it appears to be affecting some things
Or if it hasn't yet, that it will.
I'm not pining over anything, I'm not expecting anything, I'm not hoping for things, and I'm not upset over things.
And maybe right now I am letting others words influence me
Allowing them to make me think there is a problem that needs to be sorted out
Maybe there really isn't at the end of the day.
But I want it to be understood, my feelings aren't that deep.
I want it to be understood I haven't been capable of "falling in love" with any person for a very long time.
And there hasn't been any exceptions
If I have expressed any form of feelings for any person within the past 2 years they aren't on that level
It is more of an admiration, more of a caring for certain people more then most.

Now this is important to state because I am tired of people just assuming they know exactly what is going on in my head
That they know exactly how I feel
Especially with this current situation, if I have to hear one more time that I am "in love" with someone
Or that I have some crazy unrealistic hopes or ideas going on about a specific person
I think I may lose my mind

I have never believed anything would come from this
I have never hoped anything would come from this
I am not holding out for one person

I had some spent time obsessing, but not for the reasons you seem to think
I had spent some time analyzing, but not because I was hoping to discover I was wrong
I had spent some time avoiding certain situations just because I was more entertained with the current situation

I have some feelings yes, but nothing over the top, nothing crazy, nothing that wasn't pretty simple
And it never was anything more then a very shallow level of my heart

I clung to the physical nature of the situation
Yes, I clung hard to the sex, I clung hard to having someone there at night, I clung to consistency and predictable
I got upset over the simple fact of potentially losing those aspects
I struggled with the fact who I did cling to for those things is someone who isn't consistent
And isn't always predictable.

But the important parts were predictable and consistent and that is what I got attached to
I wont get hurt because the most important part was the fact it wouldn't go anywhere "on that level"

Within all of that I ended up gaining an incredible friend
And obviously a beautiful daughter
And yes, all of that made for a confusing situation, a difficult situation
Because all that time I was worried about losing my constant and that grew into worrying I'd somehow lose a friend
And then worrying about how we were going to manage bringing a baby into this world

So yes, sometimes I sit there and wish I had gotten pregnant with someone I could eventually be with because who wouldn't
We don't go around getting knocked up and just happily accepting that it wont be how we envisioned it when we were younger
Marriage, kids, house, blah blah blah blah
And yes, I care more about him then I do a lot of other people in my life
And there have been times even I couldn't straighten out how I felt about him
But sitting in this situation for 7 months, and being forced to be responsible, mature, and sober has made me realize a lot of about the situation I mentally created with him this past year
I needed an escape, somewhere to hide, and in some weird way I was able to get that through him

Simply, I am fine, I've always been fine

Aug. 20th, 2013

(no subject)

I keep trying not to lose myself.
And it's difficult, because I think I always defined who I am by my lifestyle
My lifestyle has always been dictated by who I am.
I have had to completely alter my lifestyle.
And I feel lost.
Everything I want to do, know how to do, have always been doing
Are things I can't do.
So who am I now?

Most of the time I feel terrible for the way I think lately.
I shouldn't be thinking this way, should I?
I should be sitting here excited with this new path in life, planning, being active in it.
Yet, most of the time, I sit there, upset about where things are going
And all the things I feel are forever in the past.

And this has been one of my biggest issues, transition even.
Accepting coming in at a close 2nd.

I just want to break away.
Just leave, start over, completely.
I don't want any of these ties anymore.
I love the people in my life dearly, but I am just done.
And for the most part, it isn't any fault of theirs.
It's just my need to end all of it.
There is this never ending story with each person, and I want them to end.

This wasn't my original topic, or reason for writing, but it just kind of came out.
Because when I sit here and think about everything, I feel so exhausted.
Every day spent with each person over the years and I cringe

Sometimes I feel like I create movies with people and there is always this moment where I am just tired of watching it.
Tired of writing it, and filming, and acting, and directing
And I just want to see the credits and move on.

I've run out of motivation, care, patience, with everyone and myself
And I just want to leave, even though I know I can't
I am stuck.

Aug. 10th, 2013

Inconsideration.

It's always interesting when you reach that point with someone where you just stop completely caring.
Nothing major changes, nothing new happens, nothing unexpected
But you just reach the end of patience
It's a breaking point
Of too many of the same actions happening over and over again
Everything at some point just clicks in your head
And realization completely takes over

I am tired, and I am done
With multiple people, but two in specific
And I will learn how to coexist
And that is it.

Aug. 7th, 2013

And they say... just breathe.

Sometimes, you just look at someone and want to scream, cry, laugh, smile... just react.
You just want to react.
And in so many of those moments there is no reason why, yet there are a million.
Just breathe. Just let go. Just sit there, unresponsive, no reaction.
And it crushes, everything drops, bite your lip, bite your tongue, close your eyes and feel it empty you.
Yet, do nothing.
Why? Why just sit there?
Why let it wrap you with dread, let it gnaw, bite, eat away at you?
Eventually though.. we crack.
And those moments are when we see the honesty, feel the relief, experience the fear, watch the outcome play out in front of an unsuspecting audience.
Promise never to do that again, promise to never react again, promise you will never lose control again.
Promise promise promise... but why?
Is the honesty too much? Do we really just want to stay so dishonest, so secretive, so wrapped up in holding ourselves so far away from others so all they can experience is just a whisper, just a lingering scent, just a hint.
So many hints, the never ending cycle of hint after hint after hint.
We change nothing though, even with crippling reality stabbing at every visible crack.
Lock it away better next time, build a thicker wall, add an extra mask this time around.
Because we live to hide, live to breathe alone, live to bleed when eyes are turned away.
The fear of being dependent, the fear of needing another, the fear of being incapable.
Unaccepting of false security.
Because we doubt, we disbelieve, we distrust.
Avoid, avoid, avoid, just run.
Just breathe.

Jul. 29th, 2013

Life and more life

I feel like I have nothing to write about, yet I probably have more to write about then I ever have in my life.
I guess it's more of a I wish I had different things to say then I actually do.
I go back and forth between my mind being completely open, with the ability to fully feel everything to being completely closed off and being unaware of what it is I am actually feeling about anything.
It definitely lacks stability and consistency.
But that seems to be the two main contributors in my life lately. Instability and inconsistence.
I wish so many things were different.
I wish it was possible to go back in time and make different choices.
Yet, I wouldn't change a single decision I've made if given the opportunity.
Conflicted. Completely and entirely.
And exhausted.

The people around me are ghosts.
And to the people that aren't, I am the worst ghost of them all.
I just can't hold on to worth, and I cling to the worthless.
Sometimes I think I do it because if it plays out how I want it to, it would mean more because it started at below nothing and against all odds grew to be something only I believed it would.
Yet, I don't believe anything will be a positive way.
I believe in the worse.

I honestly have no idea why I continue to randomly ramble in this thing.
I guess often, especially lately, even though I shouldn't, I feel completely alone.
But don't we all? Isn't that one of the most consistent factors in everyones life... feeling alone, even during those times we are drowning in other bodies.
I just feel lost most of the time I guess, and like I am constantly fighting with people, with myself, with previous choices, and mainly with where life is going right now.
And sometimes, there are just these moments, where I allow myself a miniature break down and everything crushes down my chest, and I can't breath, and I remember why I stopped trying to figure it all out.
Why I stopped thinking, feeling, and having those quiet moments where the world catches up to me.
Obviously I can only outrun this for so long before I fall in exhaustion.
I fear that day.

Jun. 18th, 2013

We Are Not

We are not in this together
We are not a team
We are not on common ground

You are on one side of the world
And I am on the other
It could very well be two different planets

I have never been one to believe things will play out perfectly
I have never been naive
But for some reason I didn't doubt this
For some reason I allowed hope to become more

But this is me
Completely and entirely
and I hate the guilt I feel for having that mindset
But it is safer, it is more consistent, it is the logical decision.

I feel as if I am rambling. But I just feel this weight coming down on me, I feel as if the fog vanished from the window, and it's become obvious how everything will be.

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